During the recent, free-wheeling debate between the top contenders for California's recall vote, the poor moderator was forced to say that this wasn't the Comedy Channel. Given that one of the candidates used to do convention commentary for the Comedy Channel during Presidential elections, that comment hearkened of deja vu.

As well it should. California is facing numerous, very serious problems that Gray Davis just hasn't been able to solve. The possibility of recalling him, and replacing his obviously-inept Administration with a worthy successor, is a ray of hope in an otherwise-darkened sky. But even this matter is being treated as some kind of joke.

There's 255 people on the ballot, as of the last count, and none of them seems the sort of person I'd trust to fix the energy crisis, deal with the debt or tackle the illegal immigrant fiasco, much less avoid falling down the stairs of the governor's mansion while balancing a wine and cheese platter in one hand and a well-laden coke mirror in the other.

People's livelihoods, and the health of the great state of California, are hanging in the balance, and this is the best that can be done? California needs an original vision. California needs something new. California needs something different.

And California needs it - NOW.

So, as a public service announcement on behalf of the rANT Farm, I'm going to put forward the following possible candidates for the Governor's election. None of them have ever served in political office, none of them have ever been involved in politics, and every single one of them is the owner of a unique and innovative vision that stands head and shoulders above the rest of the flock.

Were I a Californian, I would vote for any one of the people here. And I wouldn't at all be ashamed of saying - years down the road when my kids have the power to put me into a rest home - that I was damned proud to have done so. So here's hoping at least one of these amazing people read this column, and promptly move to California to throw their hat in the ring.

The list is as follows:

Name: Lux Interior

Occupation: Lead singer of The Cramps

What: Years before Peter Steele (of Type O Negative) and Glenn Danzig (formerly of the Misfits, now very much his own man) were treading the concert halls of our nation and glaring down at their fans, Lux Interior was the great-grandaddy of all terrifying rock and roll presences. A strange mix of Elvis, the weird kid next door, the Very Devil and good old-fashioned white trash, the self-proclaimed "Creature From the Black Leather Lagoon" continues to scare the crap out of squares everywhere.

Why: Because if the pointy-headed bureaucrats in Sacramento don't do what he wants, he'll order the doors locked, and then leap onto the podium, rip off his leather pants and deep-throat the microphone while generating enough guitar feedback to shatter the windows. As even long-time fans of the Cramps have a hard time lasting through the band's legendary, all-nude encore performances, I suspect it'll only take a few hours of this treatment to get appropriate results. Plus, unlike so many other California politicians, Lux is proud and open about the fact that he's as pickled as Dick Clark's face.

And if all else fails, they can balance the budget by making punks-turned-yuppies pay through the nose for overblown 'reunion' concerts.

Downside: Might spend the state's annual budget on illicit substances. May also break into hip-gyrations, lewd stares or speaking in tongues at inappropriate moments.

Name: KOMPRESSOR!!!

Occupation: Industrial Music Monster

What: In his own words: "artist ANDREAS K. born in BREMEN, GERMANY come to united states of america for computerprogram job. now dedicated to crushing america with industrial might ... KOMPRESSOR sound is hard and angry, good words used for song and electronic."

Why: People often say they'd vote for Arnold because he's a tough guy who's been living the American dream; He came here from another country, speaking very little English, and made his way up to where he is now through hard work and a refusal to give up or give in. KOMPRESSOR!!! has also lived the American dream, but he's had to kick, bite, subdue, suckerpunch, steal and "KRUSH!!!" his way to the top.

Somehow, Conan the Republican seems tame by comparison, and one thing California does not need is yet another sissified, tough-guy wannabe in the pilot's chair. We need someone like KOMPRESSOR!!! to beat the shit out of everyone and everything until it all makes sense, again.

Downside: Might "KRUSH!!!" anyone or anything at a moment's notice. Plus, he does not dance.

Name: Sparkles the Wonder-Cat

Occupation: Out of work animal actor

What: You might remember Sparkles from such heart-warming movies as "Silence of the Lambs," "Dead-Bang," "Cats Eye" and "Santa Claus Meets the Aztec Mummy." However, in these days of CGI technology, where one can create an artificial cat and just plug him into the scene, the days of animal actors like Sparkles are fast approaching an end. And Sparkles, who readily admits he could be a bit "difficult" at times, was one of the first to be chucked out the door.

Why: Hey, if you'd vote for a down-on-his-luck former actor like Gary Coleman, why not vote for someone who's really hit rock bottom? Sparkles knows from first-hand experience what it's like to be outmoded and replaced by modern technology, watch his meager savings dry up, and then spiral down into a near-endless abyss of despair, cheap beer and methadone clinic cat food. In that sense, his career prospects are about as bad as those of Gray Davis. Give a cat a break!

Downside: Is even more pickled than Lux Interior and Dick Clark's face put together. Not good with kids, dogs or lobbyists. May tear up the governor's mansion's drapes, claw the tables and puke all over himself. Also prone to potentially-embarrassing lost weekends with Bill the Cat, Catbert and Garfield.

On a related note, noted author, philosopher and all-around loon Robert Anton Wilson is running as a write-in candidate on behalf of the Guns and Dope Party. Their motto? "Like what you like, enjoy what you enjoy, and don't take crap from anybody."

So in case none of the above appeal, please go here for further information.

Well, you can't dig me you can't dig nothin - Do you want the real thing or are you just talkin? - Do you understand? - Do you understand?

Garbageman - The Cramps